The Impact of Divorce or Separation on Children

Much is made in the media of the effect of divorce or separation upon children of the family.  As a family lawyer, I can appreciate that in many cases, when parents separate, emotions run high.  Unfortunately, this can result in children being pulled into the dispute between the adults and this is certainly to be avoided if at all possible.  If can be difficult for parents to remember that they should both support each other’s ongoing relationship with the children and not criticise each other or use the children in any part of the conflict.

It is also important for both parents to ensure that the children’s relationship with the wider family is maintained.  It is very difficult for grandparents to come to terms with the loss of any contact with their grandchildren, if, for example, the parent with care prevents the children from seeing them, due to the breakdown of the relationship with their son or daughter.

If one parent (or perhaps both even) has a new partner, then the introduction of that new partner can be another source of contention.  Children may feel that they are not ready to be introduced to someone new or that, out of loyalty to one parent; they should not get along with the new partner of the other parent.

All these issues have to be dealt with sensitively and carefully and there are numerous agencies that are able to assist.  In my experience, it can be very helpful for the parties (or indeed perhaps the whole family) to visit a family therapist and discuss their concerns and fears with the assistance of a qualified therapist.

If there are disputes between the parents that perhaps could be resolved with the assistance of an independent third party, then mediation is also an option.

If the parents are using the Collaborative Law route to resolve the issues resulting from their separation, then any issues concerning the children can also be discussed in that forum.  (Collaborative Law is the process whereby both parties agree to exclude Court intervention and to work together with their respective lawyers to reach an amicable solution.)

Correspondence between each parties’ lawyers can sometimes help to resolve conflict and, ultimately, there is the Court process available.

The government produces some very helpful leaflets for both children and parents dealing with separation or divorce, all of which can be requested from your family lawyer.  The Parenting Plan in particular is full of useful advice and also lists the names and addresses of agencies that could be of assistance.

All family lawyers should advise their clients with children that they should not attempt to involve the children in the conflict between the adults and they should be open and honest with them (but not overload them with information about the case).  Both parents should try to reassure the children that the separation is not their fault and that they are loved by both parents.  The children should not be lent on by the adults as confidants, allies or friends and it is always as well to endeavour to sort out contact and residence arrangements as soon as possible, with both parents encouraging and helping the children to maintain direct and indirect contact with the other.  It is thus possible to minimise the impact that divorce and separation has on children.

Anne Barker, FILEX,
Head of Department
Spratt Endicott Solicitors